always home

I came in right before it started this morning, and sat on the back row.  Hardly worth noting, since for most events I am sliding in at the last minute.  Or after, really.  Lateness is one of my specialties.

But usually I am early for church.  Because it’s my job to be there early.

This morning, though, I came in reeling, as did many others.  Two days spent travelling back through a crazy springtime blizzard left me spent.  This morning I stumbled out of bed, rooted around for something clean to wear, and barely made it to church on time. Walking in, I found myself experiencing the morning the way most other people do; not knowing what was coming next, head full of other things, heart barely awake.  Not that I have any more spiritual insight than anybody else those other Sundays; it’s just that I’ve spent the week getting ready for that hour – talking, praying, rehearsing.

Today I sat there, dizzy and tired and thankful that I had no real part to play.  I watched as people wandered in, and wondered.  Are you as tired as I am this morning?  What made you show up today?

There are many Sundays when I wonder – would I show up if it weren’t my job? And before it was my job, the question ended …if I weren’t supposed to be here to volunteer for this or that? I used to worry about the weakness that was implied there, that my faith was somehow compromised because I wasn’t so sure all the time.

There are so many times I can think of, sitting in those pews, when my grief or sin or anger towards God or that person sitting across the room have grated against my soul.  When I have been empty handed, out of place, uncomfortable, embarrassing.

And yet I went.  Because I had to. Because someone would wonder where I was. Some thing that I had said I would do would be left undone.  Because I had said I would.

Now, I am simply grateful for those ties, the commitments I have made that drag my feet where my heart doesn’t always want to go.  My situation wasn’t so desperate this morning, but it made me remember that it has been.  That it probably was for someone today.

And that is why I will always say yes, I will be there, I will do that, I will.

Because quickly or slowly but always, eventually, my heart will catch up to where my feet have gone.  And once again I am home.